A Faulty Compass

What do you do when you’ve got a problem and really need to talk to someone, yet the nature of the problem is such that you’re actually afraid to share it with anyone?

I’ve been dealing with a panic attack for most of the day, all over something that happened a good while back, and about which I can do nothing.  At the time, I ignored my moral compass, and now it’s coming back to haunt me.   I admit it:  At the time, I was emotionally vulnerable, mentally beaten, and a bit stupid – if I want to be fair – yet I consented to do something I didn’t want when I knew better.  I allowed someone to bully and browbeat me into abandoning a core belief because that’s what they wanted, and now I’ve got to deal with the fallout.

(And before anyone thinks it, my issue has nothing to do with The Little Woman.  There’s no illicit affair; no surprise “love child” from my pre-Little Woman days.  There’s no criminality or jail time involved, either.  But the Little Woman has been affected by my situation, and that’s one of the things that really gets me in all of this.  She’s paying a price because of my stupidity.)

Yes, I’m being deliberately vague, and I apologize for that.  I hate those “mysterious” posts on Facebook where announcements are made to the whole world, yet only two people know what’s being referenced.  I know that deep down inside, I just want someone to tell me that everything will be okay.  But therein lies the problem:  Even if a dozen people contacted me right now, and declared, “Hey, I’m here for you – let me help you with that weight,” I’d likely run in the opposite direction – despite knowing that I could use the help.  I don’t know why I feel that way.

Is it fear?  Probably, to some extent.  Shame?  Uh-huh.  Lots of it, too.  Self-loathing?  Absolutely.

I’ve been told that I need to forgive myself, but that’s easier said than done.  How does one forgive themselves?  I’ve asked this here before.  As someone who’s only recently accepted that he’s bad at forgiving, I wouldn’t know where to start.  How do you apologize to yourself, and better yet, how do you convince yourself to leave the past behind and start anew?  I can’t seem to get past the idea of having a broken – or at least faulty – compass.  As I’ve reflected over my life, I’ve come to realize that my moral compass has been in dire need of resetting for quite some time.

I used to think that I was so morally grounded.  What arrogance.  What foolishness.

Once, I tried to discuss my situation with my clergyman; I thought that he’d give me some peace of mind – or at least give me some profound theological idea to consider.  But the meeting did not go well.  I was there for a surprisingly short period of time, and honestly, I don’t think that he was equipped to counsel me – or anyone else, for that matter.  I’m not angry, although I feel that I should be; I just wish I’d known of his short-coming before I’d gone in to see him, as else I wouldn’t have wasted his time and I wouldn’t feel as lost as I currently do.

I don’t believe that every negative in our lives is a sign of Divine Disapproval and punishment.  Sometimes bad things happen because bad things just happen, and it’s how we react to them that reveals just how truly committed we are to the faith we profess to having.  I know “Christians” who honestly believe that nothing bad is supposed to happen to them; as if their “faith” is part of an “if you fail me, I’ll fail you” style contract.  I don’t get that.  Becoming a Christian does not include a guarantee of rainbows, sunshine, and easy days ahead; in fact, becoming one is like putting a target on your back, because you’re going to get challenged in ways you hadn’t anticipated.

My faith isn’t shaken and I have no anger towards God; it is what it is.

Now, I’m ranting, so I’d best stop.  I am just in the midst of a crisis of sorts, and I wish I knew how to make it stop.

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