And Yet, I Live

The last couple of weeks have been both busy and quiet.  A few good days with the Little Woman, a few more children being run over in the streets by jackasses with no sense of morality.  There have been a few people rendered homeless because they left an unattended pot on the stove, and we’ve weathered another “snowstorm-lite” (i.e., less than 6″).  It looks gorgeous outside, if you discount the fact that the temperatures have yet to break 12ºF.

In other words, it’s Tuesday.I should be reading papers and writing notes, but it’s becoming difficult for me now.  I can type, but little else; seems that the various aches and pains I’ve endured over the last year and a half are now evolving into much larger issues.  I still have those headaches, although now they’re hitting me from both sides of my head.  My hands ache and on occasion, can be difficult to bend.  The mobility in my shoulders is limited by the amount of ice pick-sharp pain I’m able to endure.  And don’t get me started on my lower back, hips, and knees.  I am a walking complaint, tired of dealing with pain, fatigue, and medical personnel who are either disinterested or unable to help.  And yet, I live.

Aggressive arthritis, nerve damage, and who-knows-what-else – my body has betrayed me in the worst ways and I am angry.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  Not now, anyway, but twenty to thirty years down the road. There were so many things I’d wanted to do – things I’d waited to accomplish once I had a little bit of time and money.  And while I don’t have much of either of those, it’s still not fair.  Things were supposed to be so very different.

I have no clue – other than the Grace of God – as to how I make it from day to day.  It’s actually painful to sleep now, and it wasn’t too long ago that my eyes filled with tears once I noticed that the sun had set, as I knew what would come next.  But I made it through that night, and several more after it, because . . . what am I going to do?  It’s not like I can pull up Amazon and order a new body with hopes of discarding this old one.  Nor can I just race over to Walmart to pick a few replacement parts to keep what I’ve got running for one more day.  It’s not like a video game where I can place my hope in a “restart” at some point.  And it’s not like others haven’t endured far more while complaining far less.  So, yeah – gotta make do because the stuff I need finished won’t complete itself.

Have you ever had a friendship that pretty much served its purpose – neither of you overtly acted to end it, but it just sort of tapered off on its own?  A friendship that was once very close and important to you, but over time, your interests were no longer the same; instead of talking on the phone every night, it became every other night – then once or twice a week, before becoming once or twice a year?

If you know what I’m talking about . . . have you ever just reached out to them to reestablish contact just for the sake of it?

I’m toying with the idea of reopening an old friendship that had pretty much died a few years back.  I don’t know why; it’s something that popped into my head and has nagged me off-and-on for the last few months.  I’m more baffled by the subconscious desire to reconnect as I don’t see much new coming from this – I mean, we’d essentially said everything that needed to be said, and there’s definitely nothing positive in revisiting old discussions.  I guess I’m just feeling nostalgic, and I miss those familiar things from my past.

I’m a sentimental person, so I get why I feel this way, but I like to think that I have an element of common sense – so why I would poke a sleeping tiger (as this situation may be) is beyond me.  Worse, I actually want to get in touch with a few people who were literally sworn enemies – just to say ‘Hello.”


Maybe my so-called “intellect” is the latest part of me to go off-kilter.  Or, maybe it’s a sense of maturity that wants me to leave this “mortal coil” with as little baggage as possible.  Either way, I’m not convinced that this is a good idea at this point, so I’ll tuck it into my “to-do” file.  But it’s got promise, and maybe one day it’ll be worth pursuing.

So many things that I want to say, but it’s getting colder and dinner time approaches.

Stay warm out there.

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